“It Doesn’t Happen in Queer Relationships”, Why This Myth Continues to Harm Survivors
Written by Sophie Lennox
When we talk about sexual and domestic violence, the conversation tends to default to a particular image - usually a cisgender man as the perpetrator, and a cisgender woman as the victim. And whilst, indeed, cis women are disproportionately affected by violence, with 99% of perpetrators being men, this framing can be exclusionary and harmful.
LGBTQI+ relationships are often left out of the discussion entirely when it comes to sexual violence. This absence isn’t just a gap in understanding - it creates conditions where survivors don’t recognise what’s happened to them, don’t feel able to come forward, or can’t access the support they need.
Many survivors have encountered discrimination or had unsatisfactory experiences with service providers. The result is a culture of shame, erasure, and silence.
We see this replicated again and again in our testimonies:
“I’m one of the only openly gay people in my school and a girl came up to me, one of my mates, and started touching me inappropriately and groping me.”
“The boys in my class found out I was dating a girl. They said stuff like, ‘I can fuck the gay out of you.’ It made me never want to go to school again. I reported it. The school said they didn’t have proof.”
To respond to abuse effectively, we need to broaden the conversation, recognising that abuse doesn’t depend on gender identity or sexual orientation - it depends on power and control. Understanding that survivors exist across all communities, and that prevention must be inclusive, holistic, and intersectional by design is essential if we wish to eradicate rape culture.
The facts
Abuse doesn’t discriminate by gender or sexuality. UK research continues to show that LGBTQI+ people experience high levels of domestic and sexual violence.
More than 1 in 4 gay men and lesbian women report experiencing domestic abuse since the age of 16 (Galop, 2024).
Over 1 in 3 bisexual people have reported the same.
Bisexual women are twice as likely to disclose intimate partner violence as heterosexual women.
Gay and bisexual men may be twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as straight men.
Early studies also suggest that trans and non-binary people face similarly high or even higher rates of violence than cisgender and heterosexual communities, including from partners, family, and strangers.
Despite these realities, services, public narratives, and prevention strategies often fail to include LGBTQ+ experiences
The role of rape myths
The idea that “it doesn’t happen in queer relationships” remains widespread. This myth is shaped by stereotypes about LGBTQ+ people being more united, more equal, or somehow removed from the gendered power structures that drive abuse in heterosexual relationships.
Abuse as a concept remains for many people linked to physical size, gender and dominance. We know that abuse is instead all about control and can show up in all kinds of dynamics. Control can be emotional, sexual, psychological or financial. It can look like coercion, emotional manipulation, minimising someone’s boundaries. For LGBTQI+ survivors, it might look like someone using the threat of outing them, pressuring them or shaming them.
When we do not teach young people to see these patterns, they are inherently less likely to identify their experiences as abuse or to report it. Structurally, they are also less likely to be believed.
The need for inclusive prevention
Addressing these gaps starts with prevention education. All young people - regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation - deserve to be equipped with tools to understand power, boundaries and consent in the relationships they’re likely to have.
It also means interrogating where assumptions about abuse come from. If a student learns that legally rape is only classified as penetration with a penis, how do they make sense of differing situations? What happens when a queer young person experiences coercion, but no one has ever talked to them about what queer abuse looks like?
We still hear young people ask:
“Can it be rape if they’re both girls?”“How could he be abused by another man?”
These aren’t ignorant questions - they’re the result of education that is one-dimensional and that hasn’t kept pace with changing attitudes and behaviour.
Preventative education needs to be direct, intersectional and trauma-informed. It must incorporate how race, gender, sexuality, disability and class intersect to shape people’s experiences of violence and access to safety.
Services and systems must reflect this reality
In some LGBTQ+ communities, disclosing abuse can feel impossible. Survivors may worry about being outed, about losing housing, about being isolated from friends. Some are met with disbelief or dismissal when they do seek support. Many LGBTQ+ survivors say that services don’t reflect their lives - or worse, they face outright disbelief and discrimination.
In a 2021 report by SurvivorsUK, queer and trans survivors described being misgendered, having their experiences minimised, or being told that what they went through “didn’t count.” For trans survivors in particular, support options can be extremely limited. Prevention has to go hand-in-hand with access to safe, affirming support - delivered by people who are trained to understand the full range of survivors’ experiences.
Moving forward
If we want to prevent abuse, we need to start by addressing who experiences it and how. It is essential that we challenge the myth that LGBTQ+ relationships are free from sexual violence. Survivors need support without being required to fit a specific narrative. The way we deliver relationships and sex education needs to recognise and draw on the complexity of people’s identities and experiences.
We don’t need to choose between acknowledging the gendered patterns of abuse and recognising that violence can also happen outside of cis-heterosexual dynamics. Both are true and require our effort and attention.
Resources for further support:
Galop – National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline and specialist LGBTQ+ anti-abuse support
SurvivorsUK – Support for male, trans and non-binary survivors of sexual violence
Switchboard – LGBTQ+ helpline offering a safe space to talk, available 10am–10pm every day
Stonewall – LGBTQ+ rights charity with resources on domestic and sexual abuse
NSVRC – National Sexual Violence Resource Center (US-based) with tools on inclusive prevention
The Outside Project – London-based LGBTIQ+ community shelter and domestic abuse refuge
Gendered Intelligence – Support and advocacy for trans and non-binary people, including safeguarding resources
London Survivors Gateway – A hub connecting survivors of sexual violence in London to specialist services
If you or someone you know has been affected by abuse, you are not alone. If you would like to share your story, please visit our website at www.everyonesinvited.uk